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Why Does My Baby Cry When I Leave? Understanding Separation Anxiety in Infants & Toddlers
Updated October 2025
Separation anxiety is something almost all children struggle with at some point, and it can be a difficult situation for parents to navigate.
We never want to be cold and deny our little one cuddles, but we also know that our baby can’t stay attached to our hip forever. And, in the moment, it always tug on our heartstrings when separation anxiety rears its head.
Separation anxiety is a frustrating but developmentally meaningful stage. Let’s talk about it and map out a path toward more confidence, calm, and smoother goodbyes.
What is separation anxiety in babies and toddlers?
So what exactly do we mean by “separation anxiety”? In short: it’s a child’s distress response when separated (or anticipating separation) from the caregiver. It usually starts when the baby begins to grasp the idea of object permanence—but doesn’t yet understand time or consistency in comings and goings.
Separation anxiety is considered a developmentally appropriate stage. The National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) notes that “developmentally appropriate separation anxiety manifests between the ages of 6 to 12 months.” [1] According to the Cleveland Clinic, it’s a “normal developmental stage in babies and toddlers” that tends to fade by around age 3. [2]
Understanding separation anxiety as a stage—not a flaw—helps us move from fear to strategy. Your baby experiencing separation anxiety proves you’ve developed a loving relationship and a secure bond. It means that they’re comforted by your presence – and that they know you are the one giving them their love and care!
While the idea of separation anxiety can often invoke dread, the process doesn’t actually have to be painful.
There’s certainly ways to avoid excessive crying and screaming!
What are the signs of separation anxiety?
How do you know when your child is experiencing separation anxiety (versus just a bad drop-off day)? Here are some hallmarks I look for in my consultations:
- Crying, screaming, or fussing when you walk away (even to another room).
- Clinging tightly—refusing to let go when you try to leave.
- Protesting drop-offs at daycare, babysitters, or unfamiliar caregivers.
- Needing you next to them to fall asleep, or waking and calling/crying for you overnight.
- Resisting transitions—especially if unplanned or rushed.
While an infant can experience separation anxiety at any point, they’ll most commonly experience it around 9, 12, 18 and 24 months old.
Bouts of separation anxiety at bed-time commonly arise during transformational times when your baby is adjusting – whether it’s starting preschool or day care for the first time, a parent going back to work, or a new sibling arriving and taking up more time and attention then they’re used to.
As they can’t fully understand the situation, they are bound to be upset about not having you around as much as they were used to.
Your baby has reached the development stage where they realise that you disappear from sight but don't cease to exist. This is called object permeance. You can play games of peekaboo, gradually move further away, hide behind chairs and reappear. Teach him that you do come back after being out of sight.
What causes separation anxiety?
Why do babies cry when you leave? In my experience, it’s a mix of developmental, psychological, and situational factors. Here’s what research and clinical observation tell us:
Object permanence + limited sense of time
Before infants grasp object permanence, when something—or someone—leaves view, it seems to cease existing in their mind. As they grow (often ~6–9 months), they start to realise “Mum still exists when she leaves,” but still can’t reliably predict when you’ll return. This tension leads to distress. [3]
Attachment and emotional security
When a child forms a strong bond with their caregiver, they may feel unsafe or uncertain when separated. In fact, this kind of protest can be a sign of a secure attachment, they miss you because they feel safe to express it.
Temperament & anxiety trajectories
Some children are temperamentally more fearful or anxious, which can amplify typical separation responses. A study on infant fear trajectories found that steep increases in fear from 6–36 months were linked with more separation anxiety symptoms. [4] Similarly, certain neurobiological predispositions contribute to how intensely children react. [5]
Environmental triggers & stressors
Transitions—like starting daycare, a caregiver change, travel, or family stress—can exacerbate separation anxiety. Also, when parents are themselves anxious about separations, that tension can influence the child. A study found maternal separation anxiety correlates with child separation anxiety (though not always longitudinally). [6]
So, when your 14-month-old regresses after a move or after a new sibling arrives, that’s not a failure—it’s a response to shifting emotional dynamics. In my work, I always ask: what else is changing right now?
How long does separation anxiety last?
“Will this ever end?” Yes—it usually does, though the timeline varies by child. Here’s a realistic breakdown:
- Emergence: Often begins between 6 to 9 months, intensifying through 9–12 months. [3]
- Peak: Many sources place the worst period between 10 and 18 months. [7]
- Decline: Gradual easing typically between 18–36 months. [2]
- Outgrowing: By age 3 (and sometimes 2) many children handle separations more confidently. [2]
Importantly: if separation anxiety persists into preschool years, becomes debilitating, or is excessive relative to the child’s age, it may warrant evaluation for separation anxiety disorder. [8]
Here’s what I tell parents: expect “good days” and “hard days,” especially around big transitions or illness. Celebrate the progress, even if it seems slow and lean in to patience.
How can I help my baby with separation anxiety?
We all know how it is.
As parents, our lives are busy and come sometimes feel very hectic. By the time it gets to the end of the day, we often feel tired, frustrated and a little bit more impatient than we normally would. But patience is perhaps the most important weapon to beat separation anxiety.
If you’re baby is fussing and not going off to sleep because you’re leaving the room, the answer isn’t to soothe them in an attempt to get them to sleep quicker. If anything, that’ll make the situation a whole lot worse in the long run!
Instead, it’s best to back off and just be with them while they get themselves to sleep.
Use a goodbye ritual
Create a consistent, short farewell routine (e.g. “hug, wave, say ‘see you soon’”) and stick to it. Avoid prolonging goodbyes—longer farewells can actually increase anxiety. [9]
Give small doses of independence
In safe settings, let your baby approach you and retreat (crawl to you, explore nearby rooms) so they build confidence in separations. You can gradually increase the distance and duration. [9]
Use transitional objects
A favorite toy, blanket, or object (sometimes called a comfort or security object) can serve as a reminder of you. Research suggests such objects help buffer anxiety. [10]
Talk about it—validate the feelings
Label what’s happening: “You feel sad when I go. I’ll be back.” Emotion coaching helps kids understand their feelings and feel heard. [11]
Practice short separations
Break up longer departures into short separations (e.g. step into another room, return, gradually increase time). This builds the child’s confidence that you do come back.
Create predictability (timing, cues)
Tell your child when you’re leaving (“In 5 minutes we’ll go”) and what to expect (“I’ll be back after lunch”). Use consistent cues like a special wave or phrase. Predictability reduces anxiety.
Be calm, firm, and consistent
Your own emotional regulation matters. Children pick up on hesitation or doubt. During our consultations we coach parents to maintain a calm, confident tone, even when their heart is breaking inside.
Coordinate with caregivers
If daycare or another caregiver is involved, share your ritual and brief them on your child’s triggers and comfort strategies. Consistency across environments makes separations less jarring.
Bedtime separations
The crucial thing to remember is that while your baby might be battling separation anxiety, they haven’t forgotten the great self-settling skills they’ve learnt.
While it can look that all your hard work and skill development has gone out the window when they’re agitated and worked up when they should be going to sleep, it’s likely that they just know you’re going to be leaving the room and so they are getting stressed.
Despite appearances, your baby at this point doesn’t suddenly need you to help them get to sleep.
It can be tempting to soothe or comfort your upset baby, but even so much as patting your baby back to sleep may undo your previous efforts in the long run.
Your baby simply needs you – your presence, connection and time.
Dr Ferber explains "Work on sleep associations first ensuring your baby can self settle, then deal with separation anxiety problems later. You may need to sleep in the same room as him all night, but even then you can still insist on sleeping on a separate bed or mattress, refuse to hold or rock him or eliminate a dummy.'
Even sitting on a chair next to their cot or bed while they fall asleep is a great option to just be present without interrupting their own self-settling techniques.
To help make getting to sleep a bit easier when your child is experiencing separation anxiety, a nice and extended bedroom routine is another great option.
Have a bit of time together before it’s sleep time so that your baby feels like they’ve had some attention and one-on-one time with you – whether it’s reading a book together, listening to some gentle music or even hanging out with them during bath time.
What if there are overlapping issues (sleep regression, illness, transitions)?
Separation anxiety often overlaps with other disruptions like sleep regression (especially around 8 months), illness, or environmental changes. [12]
Here’s how I integrate approaches when multiple challenges show up:
- Address the most acute trigger first (e.g. illness or overtiredness) before layering in separation strategies.
- Maintain core soothing routines (nap time, bedtime) so the child keeps anchors of safety.
- Apply the same language and ritual across both “wake hours” and “sleep hours” to unify your approach.
- Avoid major separations or changes during high-stress periods if possible (e.g. big trips, caregiver changes). If unavoidable, extend your ritual and slow the transition.
By aligning your strategies, you decrease overwhelm—for both of you.
Conclusion
Separation is a tough one. We want to be there for our little ones, but we also know that we can’t be right at our baby’s side forever (and nor do we always feel like we want to be!)
It’s never a quick fix to alleviate separation anxiety, but it’s so worthwhile to work through it properly and patiently. Giving your baby the presence, time and connection to feel your love, whilst also letting them use their great self-soothing skills, will save you both a lot of stress and unnecessary hassle!
Dr Jodi Mindell explains....
"The good news is that each time your baby's sleep begins to be problematic - if you have a set bed time routine and put her to bed awake, she will return to sleeping through the night quicker and with less fuss each time."
If separation anxiety has lead to unwanted sleep associations becoming habitual and bed time is more drama than ease it might be time to get in touch with our team and let us get you back on track.
Emma Purdue
Emma is the owner and founder of Baby Sleep Consultant, she is a certified infant and child sleep consultant, Happiest Baby on the block educator, has a Bachelor of Science, and Diploma in Education. Emma is a mother to 3 children, and loves writing when she isn't working with tired clients and cheering on her team helping thousands of mums just like you.
References
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